Medication Avoidance

It starts like any other Saturday morning until one thing causes an upset which triggers another and then you’re in this mood. This mood manifests itself into a you who gives no fucks. No fucks at all. And while this mood is telling you forget that douchebag lets go pet this fluffy ass dog you have over here there’s yet another mood in there that doesn’t want you to touch the dogs, or the book that will make you laugh, or the tv remote that allows you to vedge. This mood wants to lay here and stare at the ceiling and ruminate about how much everything sucks and you hate life including the fact that I want pie but the pie we have there is for thanksgiving so I have to wait 6 fucking days to eat this pie I bought. I should’ve bought two and I wouldn’t have had this problem. This is the problem – I never think enough until I’m thinking too much. 

Brain has had it. I don’t want to deal with all this bullshit anymore. But I don’t want to take the medicine that will shut all of them up because I want to hear it. I want to feel their rage and frustration. I want to be able to manage this without anything else but willpower.

And then willpower isn’t enough. And things are thrown. And voices scream. Nails grip in order to self inflict. And the charade of “got it all together” me is over and I am devastated wrapping the blankets pulling my hair struggling to breath because the air in the room is now trying to refuse servicing me when I fucking need you most you fucking ungrateful ass universe. This is not how this is suppose to work.

This is not how this is suppose to work.

This is not how this is suppose to work.

I give me the anxiety pills. I take it. And before long we can have a conversation about why you’re avoiding your pills when you know you need them. 

It’s because I want to be better. I want to be stronger. I can’t afford to be weak. I have more than just me to care for. I don’t have time for the tears and therapist bills. I can’t afford it. 

And I don’t want to lose myself.

Also, I may have to rethink what prescriptions I need since I am now talking to myself in writing. Which is not exactly out loud but is also not private. Hm. Who would’a thought.

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