Sorry, not Sorry

I was supposed to say I’m sorry to someone for being a total bitch. But I don’t want to apologize for something I didn’t do. It’s not my fault there are days where there’s no filter and no patience and no understanding. Don’t worry though, it’s not only external. It doesn’t only effect those around me, its internal too. Imagine getting those fuck you’s thrown right back at you.

I’ve suffered from mild to severe depression in the past and while I’m not exactly sure if what I have is a variety of the depression I’m pretty sure I have PMDD which is PreMenstrual Dysphoric Dysorder or what I would like to refer to it as Pretty Much be Douche for Days. It’s like a nice big mental awakening that Mother Nature is about to visit. As if I need a warning. As if she couldn’t just have sent a crow or something instead I go bat shit crazy for a week and texting me something as innocent as “I need salt” causes me to have Incredible Hulk sized anger because “what the fuck?! Do I look like the grocery store. Why are you telling me..”

Yet, had that same text been received outside of my PMDD window I would’ve replied something like “oh I hate when that happens, would you like me to send you over some?”

But no. That person isn’t here for that week (give or take a day or so). That person is stuffed into a box somewhere in my body and Evil Me is just causing havoc being a douchebag at every available opportunity. Here are more examples of Me versus PMDD-Me

*”That shirt doesn’t really go well with that outfit it would be better with tights or jeans”*

Me: you’re right. I see your point I look like I’m wearing a giant pillow case

P-Me: what are you trying to say?! That I don’t know how to dress myself? I know what I look like and I’m comfortable and I don’t give a shit what people think!

*Staff member who frequents my library often asks for second book that day*

Me: I get up and get the book, no problem.

P-Me: “you know I really have to show you how to locate books in this library because you’re not even really a patron so you need to learn how to do things for yourself.”

*student who takes time out of most days to add a little pain in the ass to my day stops by*

Me: Hey, M what’s up?

P-Me: Go to class!!!

So yeah, you get the picture. P-Me is rude and unforgiving and really doesn’t want to deal with anyone’s shit but her own because she’s tired and everything sucks and she just wants to be in bed watching Hulu or Netflix. She’s too overwhelmed with dealing with the stuff regular me leaves for her to sort through. More than anything though she is so tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually. Just so tired to the point where it feels like an accomplishment that she even got me out of bed and to work that day. Even if she was a bitch to all my friends.

It does seem to me that PMDD-Me is really me. The Me that I have to restrain and keep in check every day, but when pms comes it’s like there’s a big imbalance and these tamed part of me becomes untamable. 

So yeah, I’m sorry. Sort of but not really. It’s not exactly my fault. I can’t exactly make my brain stop going haywire when it wants. Also, if you can’t accept P-Me once a week just learn to avoid me that week and everyone wins. And if you’re not sure what week it is just ask or observe. Me eyes tell it all.


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