After last weekends meltdown, and several conversations with the people around me, I have come to the conclusion that I should keep track of my moods daily, as well as my cycle. So I’ve dedicated my New Yorker calendar just for that and I’ve also decided to create my own personal mood meter in order to truly describe how I’m feeling about my day. Here it is:
- I really want to die. I hate my life. Nobody understand me.
- Everything is awful
- I don’t have enough spoons today
- Rather be under a rock somewhere but I can still function I would prefer if people didn’t engage me in conversation but I can mostly carry one
- Pretty mellow & indifferent. Life tends to suck but it can be good too.
- Better than 5. Worse than 7.
- This is what I think “normal” people usually feel like.
- Feeling pretty good. So much to appreciate.
- Everything is awesome.
- Fucking ecstatic. Life is amazing.
This along with some mood meter app I found should be enough to catalog my rollercoaster moods enough so that when I finally see a shrink I can have enough documentation to walk out with the meds I want.
Why did I care so much that my younger brother wanted to bring some random girl to my birthday celebration? Maybe I just want him to be committed. Maybe I’m just selfish and territorial. Or maybe I don’t like being introduced to people that are certainly temporary. I have enough temporary in my life. Regardless of the reason I didn’t want it and he didn’t listen.
So I drank. Hard and fast. To dull the thoughts, and the anger. The frustration and the sadness. I used liquor to wash away my emotions, and I was happy for a moment. A small moment that dulled into black and then I woke up the next morning in my bed.
Glasses broken. Left my phone in the cab (thank the stars for the amazing guy who found it and returned it the next day). Bruised on my hand and head from throwing myself on the ground. Attempted to attack my brother (which I was clearly too drunk to make my fist connect with his face at all, and also I was wearing heels so there was no way that was going to be a fair fight anyway!)
And now, while I have no memory of any of it, I have this feeling left over. A deep sadness like a black hole where my heart should be that’s particularly interested in devouring any bit of happiness I can find. A viral melancholy that feels like its spreading throughout my body and consuming me. And I need to get it out. But I don’t know how.
What I do know is that I won’t get that drunk again out of anger. I know that I have an amazing and supportive boyfriend who had to hear me talk about how much I hated life and wanted to die and it’s so not fair that the people I love have to deal with this.
I also know that my daughter is even more amazing just for being alive.
To summarize, here is what I learned from my Birthday Blackout;
- Do not get drunk just to get rid of anger, it just makes you think you’re the Incredible Hulk
- If my brother gets me mad when I’m about to drink, while I’m drinking or while I’m drunk, immediately remove myself from the situation
- I am on the verge of being suicidal but I know I have a lot to live for and I’m not giving up. I will get help.
- Banging my head to make the thoughts stop isn’t very smart
- My daughter is the most important thing in my life (Blackout drunk me made this very clear as I repeated it multiple times in my drunkenness)
- It’s okay for me to get upset or depressed or angry but I have to recognize these feelings and act accordingly. I knew I was upset before I walked out of my house. And I should never have went out. If I had trusted in myself and cancelled I’d still have my glasses.
- Lastly, I refuse to be held accountable for these actions as I have no recollection of them and maybe this is all a big prank and I’m not being told the truth. Where is the footage?!