Lost in my future

I love being alone at night because it give me peace and tranquility and full bed space to spread my legs and cuddle with Payge.

I hate being alone at night because the darkness is like my own personal therapist making me open up about shit I don’t want to talk about.

Last night I had a session with myself and here’s what was accomplished:

I feel so alone and would rather not exist because I truly feel like I can’t prevent my inevitable failure. I won’t amount to be shit but a poverty level Spanish girl from Brooklyn. Girl. Now woman. I still can’t see myself as an adult. And yet, I keep meeting new people who are beginning their careers – not jobs, but actual careers. What they have a passion for. What they want to actually DO in life. And they’re fucking younger than me. I’m 28. I thought I had a few more years before I felt like I was missing my chance at succeeding.

I always want more. I want to be happy. I want to be happy with what I have but being happy with what I have is accepting failure. Or putting it in a better note, accepting my accomplishments at what they are. Two bachelors. And awesome daughter. A rent controlled apartment in Williamsburg that I only have because I am the first living child to come out of my mother who is no longer here. Whoopie.

I am struggling mentally and yet it’s all beneath the surface.

What do you want?!

I want to find my purpose and it’s taking too fucking long to figure it out.

You like art. You’re an artist. Maybe that’s your calling?

Yeah. Right. I don’t have my own distinct style. No imagination. And no patience.

You love reading. You should get back into writing.

What the fuck do you think I’m doing. Plus, this isn’t going to make me money or successful. Im tired of the fucking routine dude. I’m bored!

I’m tired of you yelling at me.

I’m tired of me yelling at me.

… I’m going fucking crazy. I just want some happiness and a little sanity to go along with it. Who am I? I feel like I need to do a little Eat, Pray, Love and figure it the fuck out but I can’t because I’m broke and I have a kid who needs to be in school.

I think I lost myself a few years back and now I’m struggling with only half my mentality, thinking about the future. And I’m lost there too.

Side note: Walking outside my house feels like such a task because I know I have to interact with other humans and while I look decent from the outside I really imagine myself looking like Oscar the Grouch:

Oscar_the_Grouch_3

This is what I’m truly thinking I look like when I smile and say Hi.

 

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