Then there’s this

I call this, never forget you.

There are the low days and then there are the high days where I’m flying above the fucking world and have so much energy and creativity just spills out and I just can’t stop or help but be me.

6 AM Ramblings

6 A.M and I am awake. To highlight how unusual this is let me tell you this; on my own I usually wake after 10-11 A.M. Why am I awake? I’m not sure except for the fact that I have such an anxiety sleeping. I don’t know if it’s me or the Abilify. I only went to sleep last night because I know I have to sleep, because I was sleepy and didn’t feel like doing anything, and I also had a migraine.

My dreams have been becoming vivid lately. The night before last I dreamt that my left eye  (eyeball) had become entirely black. Consulting google, I find this:

A black eye may represent an inner conflict; an argument you had with someone; or an insult or bruised ego or character.

https://www.dreamscloud.com/dream-dictionary/e/eyes

Inner conflict? Duh. There’s definitely a lot of that happening.

My eyes were also wide open so for that it says:

Dreams about eyes may be referring to your sense of sight, your perception of the world around you or your insight

I’m definitely struggling with my perception of the world around me and life in general; teetering between everything is awesome and why am I still here.

I miss sleeping easy.

 

 

Rejection (is the beginning of something else)

So I got rejected by my first choice grad school – Pace University. I’m not surprised nor am I nearly as upset as I expect I would be. I half-assed the application and don’t think I really have the qualifications for it. However, I really do want to get into that program so I won’t be giving up!!

Instead I’ve decided to apply to two Masters programs and then once I’m done there I can reapply for Pace. 

Maybe it’s not my time yet. Or maybe that’s not really the path I’m meant to be on and at some point along the way I’ll find myself on that path.

I really don’t know but what I do know is so far in my life I have been so fortunate and everything seems to work out for the best, ultimately. So, cheers to a reflection and the beginning of something else.

Now I just better not fucking get rejected by the other two school I applied for…

P.S. What in the hell is this optimism and motivation I would wonder except I have to assume it’s the Abilify! It might actually be working folks! Whoop whoop 🙂

Abilify

So tonight I start abilify. 

I finally caved and saw a doctor about what’s going on within the synapses of my brain. The ups and downs are getting sharper. They’re coming harder. Leaving my home is a terribly anxious ordeal and it’s making my body feel like a sore sack a stiff muscles. My lungs feel smaller whenever I leave my house and it’s difficult. Knowing and accepting is difficult. 

Telling the people in my life is interesting. There’s like 3 types of responses:

1. It’s great that you’re dealing with this. You’re doing a good thing here.

2. You don’t even look like there’s anything wrong!

3. You’re not depressed. Shut up.

The 3rd type particularly pisses me off because I’m just like “who the fuck are you to know what I feel in MY head?! Right?! You’re not inside me when it feels like everything comes crashing down or when I suddenly feel tense and can’t breathe. You’re not listening to the mean voices constantly putting me down. You don’t know what it feels like when sound irritate you physically so it feels like you want to scratch your skin off. You don’t feel like your blood is actually mud and you’re walking through wet cement. So shut the fuck up and go be happy somewhere else.”

Sorry. I’ve been holding that one in for some time.

So anyway I have been prescribed Abilify. As with most medications there are a shit ton of side effects. And nothing works for everyone so I really hope this has more positive than negative. I’m tired of not being me. Or being this internally ugly defected version of me. I miss having energy and motivation and a desire to just breathe.

So here goes my metaphorical head-first cliff dive into a antipsychotic med journey.