Starting Something New

After 2.5 months on Abilify it needed to be changed. Initially I felt like it was working but after 3 or so weeks things got worse, especially once she upped the dosage. I can’t focus on anything. I’m constantly irritated by absolutely everything. Worst of all, I have the energy to do things but no interest in doing anything. It’s like mental hell. More so than cycling through everything is awesome and I just want to die.

Why do I think it didn’t work?

Probably because no medicine treats everyone with bipolar the same. We’re all chemically different so there’s no way one chemical can fix us all, right? I wanted it to work so bad though and apart of me feels like it’s somehow my fault it doesn’t work. Maybe I can’t be fixed. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me and being miserable with breaks of sunshine is just who I am. Maybe it’s everything that I’ve experienced that’s made me the person I am today and theres nothing I can do about it. Or maybe I’m just an overly emotional adult baby. Either way I’ll try what the doctors ordered.

Now its seroquel at bedtime and lamictal in the morning. I’m excited and scared to try this new combination. Excited because maybe it will work, I just really hope I don’t have negative side effects again. I just want some peace. I just want to feel like my old self again, so bad. I’m tired so tired of feeling like the moods have abducted my mind and are controlling everything about me. I just want to be happy. Please.

“We are all alone, trapped in these bodies and our own minds, and whatever company we have in this life is only fleeting and superficial.”

Jennifer Niven, All The Bright Places

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Then there’s this

I call this, never forget you.

There are the low days and then there are the high days where I’m flying above the fucking world and have so much energy and creativity just spills out and I just can’t stop or help but be me.

6 AM Ramblings

6 A.M and I am awake. To highlight how unusual this is let me tell you this; on my own I usually wake after 10-11 A.M. Why am I awake? I’m not sure except for the fact that I have such an anxiety sleeping. I don’t know if it’s me or the Abilify. I only went to sleep last night because I know I have to sleep, because I was sleepy and didn’t feel like doing anything, and I also had a migraine.

My dreams have been becoming vivid lately. The night before last I dreamt that my left eye  (eyeball) had become entirely black. Consulting google, I find this:

A black eye may represent an inner conflict; an argument you had with someone; or an insult or bruised ego or character.

https://www.dreamscloud.com/dream-dictionary/e/eyes

Inner conflict? Duh. There’s definitely a lot of that happening.

My eyes were also wide open so for that it says:

Dreams about eyes may be referring to your sense of sight, your perception of the world around you or your insight

I’m definitely struggling with my perception of the world around me and life in general; teetering between everything is awesome and why am I still here.

I miss sleeping easy.

 

 

Rejection (is the beginning of something else)

So I got rejected by my first choice grad school – Pace University. I’m not surprised nor am I nearly as upset as I expect I would be. I half-assed the application and don’t think I really have the qualifications for it. However, I really do want to get into that program so I won’t be giving up!!

Instead I’ve decided to apply to two Masters programs and then once I’m done there I can reapply for Pace. 

Maybe it’s not my time yet. Or maybe that’s not really the path I’m meant to be on and at some point along the way I’ll find myself on that path.

I really don’t know but what I do know is so far in my life I have been so fortunate and everything seems to work out for the best, ultimately. So, cheers to a reflection and the beginning of something else.

Now I just better not fucking get rejected by the other two school I applied for…

P.S. What in the hell is this optimism and motivation I would wonder except I have to assume it’s the Abilify! It might actually be working folks! Whoop whoop 🙂

Abilify

So tonight I start abilify. 

I finally caved and saw a doctor about what’s going on within the synapses of my brain. The ups and downs are getting sharper. They’re coming harder. Leaving my home is a terribly anxious ordeal and it’s making my body feel like a sore sack a stiff muscles. My lungs feel smaller whenever I leave my house and it’s difficult. Knowing and accepting is difficult. 

Telling the people in my life is interesting. There’s like 3 types of responses:

1. It’s great that you’re dealing with this. You’re doing a good thing here.

2. You don’t even look like there’s anything wrong!

3. You’re not depressed. Shut up.

The 3rd type particularly pisses me off because I’m just like “who the fuck are you to know what I feel in MY head?! Right?! You’re not inside me when it feels like everything comes crashing down or when I suddenly feel tense and can’t breathe. You’re not listening to the mean voices constantly putting me down. You don’t know what it feels like when sound irritate you physically so it feels like you want to scratch your skin off. You don’t feel like your blood is actually mud and you’re walking through wet cement. So shut the fuck up and go be happy somewhere else.”

Sorry. I’ve been holding that one in for some time.

So anyway I have been prescribed Abilify. As with most medications there are a shit ton of side effects. And nothing works for everyone so I really hope this has more positive than negative. I’m tired of not being me. Or being this internally ugly defected version of me. I miss having energy and motivation and a desire to just breathe.

So here goes my metaphorical head-first cliff dive into a antipsychotic med journey.

Assisted Suicide

ME-BEFORE-YOU

WARNING: This post contains spoilers!

Me before You, a Jojo Moyes novel (and soon to be movie) is amazingly written and while the story may be about a woman falling in love with a man there is a bigger question being brought up. Is assisted suicide okay? And if you don’t try to stop someone are you an accessory to their murder?

Will is a quadriplegic who once enjoyed living on the edge but after getting hit by a motorcycle while crossing the street he has to adapt to a completely different life but refuses to, even when finding love and happiness. His life, to him, is not his own and he refuses to accept it as such and instead travels to Switzerland where he can go to Dignitas, a place where he can die by choice.

Throughout the novel you hear a lot of talk from both the main character, and non-existent ones, about the stigma attached to assisted suicide, and how every life is valuable, and one shouldn’t be allowed to kill oneself. Many people have known someone who’s committed suicide. I myself have been through times where it seems like the best option, shit I even know exactly how I want to do it but that’s beside the point. I think we should all have a right to our own body, and our own lives, regardless of age and disability.

If I want to die why shouldn’t I be allowed to. And why not make it less traumatizing for the ones around? Rather then an impulse decision where a person flings themselves off a building or overdoses on drugs, maybe there should be clinics available where people have to go through a waiting period, with therapy, and upon completion, with a plan in action, if they still want to die then let them, painlessly and without judgment. Why should a person be forced to suffer against their own will?