Starting Something New

After 2.5 months on Abilify it needed to be changed. Initially I felt like it was working but after 3 or so weeks things got worse, especially once she upped the dosage. I can’t focus on anything. I’m constantly irritated by absolutely everything. Worst of all, I have the energy to do things but no interest in doing anything. It’s like mental hell. More so than cycling through everything is awesome and I just want to die.

Why do I think it didn’t work?

Probably because no medicine treats everyone with bipolar the same. We’re all chemically different so there’s no way one chemical can fix us all, right? I wanted it to work so bad though and apart of me feels like it’s somehow my fault it doesn’t work. Maybe I can’t be fixed. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me and being miserable with breaks of sunshine is just who I am. Maybe it’s everything that I’ve experienced that’s made me the person I am today and theres nothing I can do about it. Or maybe I’m just an overly emotional adult baby. Either way I’ll try what the doctors ordered.

Now its seroquel at bedtime and lamictal in the morning. I’m excited and scared to try this new combination. Excited because maybe it will work, I just really hope I don’t have negative side effects again. I just want some peace. I just want to feel like my old self again, so bad. I’m tired so tired of feeling like the moods have abducted my mind and are controlling everything about me. I just want to be happy. Please.

“We are all alone, trapped in these bodies and our own minds, and whatever company we have in this life is only fleeting and superficial.”

Jennifer Niven, All The Bright Places

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Then there’s this

I call this, never forget you.

There are the low days and then there are the high days where I’m flying above the fucking world and have so much energy and creativity just spills out and I just can’t stop or help but be me.