Abilify

So tonight I start abilify. 

I finally caved and saw a doctor about what’s going on within the synapses of my brain. The ups and downs are getting sharper. They’re coming harder. Leaving my home is a terribly anxious ordeal and it’s making my body feel like a sore sack a stiff muscles. My lungs feel smaller whenever I leave my house and it’s difficult. Knowing and accepting is difficult. 

Telling the people in my life is interesting. There’s like 3 types of responses:

1. It’s great that you’re dealing with this. You’re doing a good thing here.

2. You don’t even look like there’s anything wrong!

3. You’re not depressed. Shut up.

The 3rd type particularly pisses me off because I’m just like “who the fuck are you to know what I feel in MY head?! Right?! You’re not inside me when it feels like everything comes crashing down or when I suddenly feel tense and can’t breathe. You’re not listening to the mean voices constantly putting me down. You don’t know what it feels like when sound irritate you physically so it feels like you want to scratch your skin off. You don’t feel like your blood is actually mud and you’re walking through wet cement. So shut the fuck up and go be happy somewhere else.”

Sorry. I’ve been holding that one in for some time.

So anyway I have been prescribed Abilify. As with most medications there are a shit ton of side effects. And nothing works for everyone so I really hope this has more positive than negative. I’m tired of not being me. Or being this internally ugly defected version of me. I miss having energy and motivation and a desire to just breathe.

So here goes my metaphorical head-first cliff dive into a antipsychotic med journey.